Today, as if completely logical, I picked up the phone, dialed Mike’s cell phone number, and left him a long voicemail. I asked him if he was feeling better, gave him a quick update on things, and told him how much I missed him. When I hung up the phone, I felt lifted.
It has been one month since Mike joined the angels. Yet, I continue to look for him everywhere and talk to him daily. No, I am not in denial, and as far as I can tell, my sanity is still intact. For the past nine years, in some form or another, my life has been for Mike, about Mike, and with Mike. That he is no longer physically here does not mean that I don’t feel him around me. Mike is here; he never really left. I sense his presence in every room. He shines through every memory, every joke, every conversation, and every thought. I feel him each and every second. From this, I derive immeasurable comfort.
While I can easily go on and on about how much I miss Mike, how I am coping, and what I have done to fill my time over the last month, this blog isn’t about me. It never was. I created this blog to share our story, not mine. So instead of rambling about myself, I will share another example of Mike’s amazing spirit: A few days ago, I found (not that it was really ever lost, but forgotten in the chaos of our life) a special notebook that Mike had made for my birthday this past April. In it, Mike wrote: “because of you Lizzy, this year has been the best year of my life. Even with everything going on, I would not change my life for anything.” I sat there and read and reread the words he wrote in disbelief. Only Mike could be so positive. Only Mike would call a year filled with cancer (in his brain, no less), surgeries, chemo, brain radiation, hospital visits, medications, and pain the “best” year of his life. Only Mike would find true happiness where most people would only find despair. Only Mike would be so kind and so loving to give me that much credit. Only Mike.
May I one day be half as hopeful, half as positive and half as strong as Mike always was. May I one day learn to focus on the joys of life, on the good. May I one day look at life with half the optimism Mike always did. Really, may we all.
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31 comments:
Dear Liz,
Your honesty and strength leave me in awe. It's is amazing that Mike wrote that but he wouldn't have been able to see that year as the best in his life without the love and support he got from you. I know I've never met you in person but I still can say that with certainty. You are in my heart and thoughts. I wish words could ease the pain of such a loss as no one should suffer, especially at your age. No words of wisdom but you are in my thoughts and I will continue to send them out for you.
As ever, Carver
I just wanted to let you know that some positive things have come as a result of losing Mike. It has strengthened the bond between all of us that knew him at college. I have recently hung out with friends that I haven't seen in years. Some of us that lost touch since graduating have gotten back in contact. We all get lost in the chaos of our daily lives, and this tragedy reminded us about the importance of family and friends.
When we talked about all the fun times we had at college, I wanted Mike there to add his colorful commentary. At the end of the day my sadness is erased by the thoughts of all the great times that we had over the years, and for that I am thankful to have known him.
And Liz, thank you for making him happy when he needed it the most.
Liz,
You share with us an incredible love story.
You remain close in my thoughts and prayers.
I always smile when you write "Lizzie" - it seems like such an affectionate name that Mike had for you.
Stay Strong
King (Kathie)
Stage IV 7/05 Liver mets
Correction -- "Lizzy"
Liz,
Thank you for continuing to share your story. Like, "King", I smile when I think of Mike calling you "Lizzy". It is funny how we've never met, yet I can feel the love you and Mike had for each other. You are both amazing individuals.
Godspeed...
What a wonderful story about Mike's message.
It just strikes me, of all the things one can do in a life, we still have this choice, of whether to "see." That is, to see, in the sense that Mike did in that message to you, what is really important. Even through all his pain, he saw it.
It really isn't, at botom, all just about duration, about how many years. The richness of your time with him, I can imagine, must be a great comfort.
Thanks for sharing with us.
Best,
Laura
I am lost for words! Your marriage was so beautiful! Just beautiful! Whenever I start feelin bad or negative about my life I log onto your blog and find such positive energy from you and Mike! i have never met either one of you but admire you both so much!!!! Thanks for making me see what love and life is all about!!! You are constantly in my thiughts and prayers! You are amazing as i have said bfore!!!!!
Hi Liz,
You are such an inspiration to so many of us!!! I know that Mike is with you everyday in everything you do and he is SO PROUD OF YOU AND THE PERSON YOU ARE!!!
Much love!!
Christine Uporsky
Liz-
I find my self thinking of you daily and often "checking in" with you through your blog. Know that I am here sending you all of my strength. I hope easier days are ahead.
Always,
Aryn
Dear Liz,
We have never met but Mike and I were good friends at Kutztown. We were psych majors together and spent lots of time trading notes and making fun of our professors. He was, truly, one of my best guy friends at KU! He was indeed funny and charming and a wiseguy, and although we did not stay in touch after graduation, I still look fondly at pictures from my KU days and see him in many of them. In fact, on graduation day, I have a great shot of us in our caps and gowns. He was a regular pal at the K-Town Pub, and even then he was giving everyone nicknames. I heard from my KU roommate about his death, and I am terribly, terribly sorry for your loss. He was a special, generous, caring and funny guy, and I only wish that we had stayed in touch after college. Please know how far reaching his infectious spirit is and how you and he are in my thoughts and prayers.
I have a friend from Philadelphia who is also, unfortunately, a young widow. I remember right after her husband died, she was really looking for other young women like herself to talk to. As I'm sure you have already experienced, there are not a lot of people who can relate to what you are going through. If you ever have the desire to talk to someone else who has walked this road you are traveling, I know that she would find solace in talking to you. Her husband's illness and eventual death in May of 2005 was laden with many of the same things you describe. I hope you don't take this as too pushy, but being best friends with someone who has experienced this kind of loss has emboldened me to reach out to you, as I would hope someone would have done for her.
Please feel free to contact me at rutledge@chapin.edu. I wish you the best - you are a true inspiration.
Sally (Geroulo) Rutledge
Liz,
I've been following your blog for a while and have been so touched by your words. Your situation mirrors my friend Brendan's, who lost his wife (and my dear friend) Julie in November. (lyonsfamily.org)
You are very much in my thoughts and prayers today. With much love -
Carrie
Liz,
We are thinking of you and Mike today. Love, A&F
Liz,
I want you to know that there are so many people thinking about you and your family. Mike touched an unbelievable amount of people (so many of us, including myself have not seen him in 10 plus years - and still do not go a day without thinking about him and now you). I know that this time of year cannot be any easier – but understand that there are hundreds (seriously hundreds) praying and thinking of you. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. You are a true inspiration.
Hi Liz, I was a friend of Mike's from Cape May, NJ many years ago. Our little group of friends always had a great time partying at the beach house that he rented with Lance on Bank Street. I have not seen Mike in years...since he printed my wedding T-shirts in 1999. God time flies. I did see him once in PA at a bar...always as cute as ever. I was in shock when I saw that he died in the paper. I had no idea that he had to go thru so much pain. And i feel the same as you...why him, why put him thru all that pain...why!! One thing I can say for sure is he was so lucky to have someone like you around him. He was a joy to know and always a presure to be around and all-around a great guy. I am so sorry for your loss!
Michelle
Hi Liz,
Mike was a good friend of mine back in the KU days, or "Flea" as I would call him. He was an amazing person, always looking for a good time and always seeing the bright side in every situation. He was loved by everyone who met him, including me. I can't believe he is gone, can't believe I won't bump into him ever again.
I wasn't able to make the service, so thank you for publishing your eulogy. It was fantastic and I know he'd be impressed. I can't imagine how much strength that took. I especially liked how you talked about all nicknames he gave people - I was lucky enough to get one from him that has stuck with me!
I also want to say thank you for loving Mike so much. I am so glad he had you in his life. Although he left way too soon - he had what many of us will never find in our many, many years here - and thats true love. He's one of the lucky ones and it sounds like he knew it. He deserved the best - and he got the best. Thank you.
Your blogs are incredible. Thank you for sharing your journey - I read it alot and think of you often.
Lizzy,
Mike was in my dream last night. I couldn't figure out why until his face in my head made me log back onto your blog. I've been sick recently--102 temperature, terrible cough, real uncomfortable, etc. I missed some work, missed a lot of calls, probably lost some clients and have a stack of shit waiting for me back at the office.
SICK!...What I just went through for three days was not sickness. That wasn't pain. Mike's taught me that now. You've taught me that now. Losing Clients...Who gives a shit! Mike and you have taught me that.
Sure, I'll get back into the daily grind next week and go on working and doing my routine but I now realize that Mike put his face in my dream last night to "wake me up"...or, at least nudge me momentarily. To remind me of what's important. To remind me that a little temperature and getting behind in work is a stupid thing to worry about. Family, friends, love, making others smile, that's what was important to Mike and it's what should matter most to us all. He may physically be gone, but he touches so many people in different ways everyday that he's always present.
If I'm being honest with myself and with you, I know I won't live by what I just wrote above, everyday. But Mike somehow manage to. And if he can just remind me every once in awhile that it's the right way to live, then he's touched me and effected me greatly. For that I say, "Thank you, Mike." You are one of a kind.
Lizzy, you remain in my thoughts. I know you will continue to use Mikey's strength to pull you through.
Love always,
Brian
Just checking in to see how you have been? Constantly thinking of you!
Hi Liz!
I am so happy that Mike had you in his life. What a great guy!
My name is Rebecca...Our families were neighbors in Leopard Run off of Smithbridge Road in Glen Mills, PA. I recently learned of his battle w/ cancer through a former neighbor of ours & I'm heart broken. I've been crying for the past hour reading your's & Mike's story. My brother Billy & the Barrett boy (forget his name...he lived next door to Mike's family) were all good friends. Actually, I think Mike was there when my brother fell out of a tree in his backyard resulting in a nail through his foot. Needless to say, he was rushed to the hospital! They were always up to no good!! :D
Mike went to Kutztown Univ w/ me as well...I remember seeing him on campus & being so surprised & happy! He always had a wonderful smile. I would like to send a card to his family to let them know, that eventhough we've all lost touch over the years, that I'm still thinking of them & will always pray for Mike. Thank you for your blog...it's made me realise how much we take life & love for granted. You are a courageous woman! I believe because of your love for life & strength to conquere, you were given to Mike to help him through his final days. Thank you for your words of reflection; and the inspiration to keep going no matter how difficult the journey.
Sincerely,
Rebecca S.
Happy Valentines Day Lizzie. I am constantly thinking of you!
hi liz. Just checking in on you. This is harder than I imagined. If you want to, email me.
Grumbl3kitty@hotmail.com
-katrina (well not really, but)
How are you doing girl? Why aren't you letting people know how you are and updating your blog? Just like that Mormon, she stops too after they die and you use everyone for support then you withdraw. Sad.
Hi All,
My name is Jamie Fitzpatrick and I met Mike the first day of college…we remained friends ever since. On that day, I saw his amazing sense of humor and his ability to always be positive which remained to the last day I saw him. For those of you who haven't seen the video I made for Mike I posted it on youtube under "Pone Tribute" or can visit my website at http://stfitzday.com/ It was emotionally difficult for me to make but it captures great moments in his life. I miss him and the video is a tribute to him.
Jamie Fitz
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Though I cried all the way through it, it brought be comfort. I was diagnosed with stage III melanoma the week of my wedding. It's now been six weeks, two surgeries, and lots of tears since that diagnosis. I'll start interferon next week. Though it is difficult to go through this myself, it is even more difficult to see my new husband hurt and worried. At first I questioned why God would bring us together in marriage only to throw cancer at us. Then I realized that there is no way I could handle this by myself, and it is only because of my husband that I am able to make it through. God knew what he was doing. I feel it is the same for you. Though seemingly cruel, God brought you and your husband together so you could help him through the most difficult journey of his life. God bless you for the comfort and love you gave. I am praying for your healing.
-Petra
Liz,
I went to Kutztown with Mike and found out through the Alumni publication of his passing. I am very sorry for your loss. At one time I lived 5 houses down from him and his roomates in a place called the Cliffs, which I am positive you have heard of. I can only say that every memory was an interestng and fun one when I was around him and those guys. For the next few years we hung out, more than just time to time, and it was great to have known him and his friends.
Unfortunately, after graduation, no contact. After over 10 years, the minute I read his name, I still remembered those times, and those guys, instantly.
I have had some experience in my own family with cancer, and from reading your blog, I am very impressed with your strength. You are in my prayers.
One thing I did notice here is it seems this unfortunate situation has brought some people together that had not been in touch for a while. From what I remember, all those guys back together or in touch again probably made him happy. There is a lesson to be learned here.
Once again, you are in my prayers.
Pete Shesniak
Dear Liz,
I just found out about Mike's passing from a KU friend. I haven't seen Mike since Kutztown and we weren't close friends, but we knew each other and often spent time at the same parties. I just wanted to let you know that I don't think I ever saw Mike without a smile on his face. He was always kind, friendly, real and ready for a good time. My heart goes out to you and his family. After reading your blog, you both have amazed me with the strength and dignity that you both dealt with this. You are both an inspiration. It is funny, I have thought of Mike a bunch of times over the years when I thought about college days, even though we were not close friends. But that was the person Mike was, he made an everlasting impression on people with his outgoing personality and everlasting smile. I hope you find peaceful moments throughout your days, my heart goes out to you.
Sincerely,
Donna Dowling Brown
Dear Liz ~
A friend of mine emailed me today - she had heard of Mike's death through the Kutztown newsletter. I knew Mike in college, used to be a friend who lived near him in the Cliffs. He was a great guy - always funny, always teasing and threw one hell of a party.
Mike was so charismatic, so full of life and energy and it radiated to everyone around him. Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts.
Take care ~
K
Dear Liz,
I, as many others who have written, remember Mike from Kutztown. I was merely an acquaintance on the party circuit- but immediately recognized his name in the Alumni Newsletter. I just wanted to express my condolences to you. Since I read your story a few days ago, I can't seem to stop thinking about you and what the two of you went through. Your love shines through your story so eloquently. My thoughts and prayers are with you...
A KU Friend
I read you blog again today. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Yours was special.
I happened to stumble upon your blog. I recognized your husbands name and as soon as I saw Mike's picture I instantly remembered seeing his face at Kutztown. I don't remember being in class with Mike or even a conversation we ever had. Just a familiar pleasant face to see. I read your entire story and it is with a very heavy heart that I write this to you. I just recently married for the first time to a guy by the name of Mike. I applaud your strength, courage and faith. As I read your story I couldn't even imagine going through what you went through. As I read your story and thought of what I would do in that situation I honestly thought if I had a choice I would want the roles reversed. I prayed for you today. For strength, faith, happiness, love, goodness and sunny days.
I am very sad to have learned the news of Mike. I am so sorry he had to go through that fight. He was very lucky to have had you by his side.
Prayers are with you.
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