Monday, November 12, 2007

Empty and Guilty

Today, I woke up with a knot in my stomach. That same knot that has been there for at least the last week. The knot that represents the emptiness and guilt that I feel. Empty for having lost a part of me, for having lost my soul mate. Empty because I feel alone, even though I am surrounded by friends and family around the clock. Empty because I feel like I no longer have a purpose.

And then there is guilt. Guilt for being able to do things that Mike is no longer here to do. Guilt for waking up. Guilt for being able to walk, run, eat and talk. Guilt for laughing. Guilt for breathing. Guilt for being alive. But most of all, guilt for not having been able to save Mike. For months, I watched the disease ravage him, and yet, there was nothing that I could do to stop it. I know I did as much as I humanly could, but at the end, I failed Mike. I failed to save him.

Over the last several days, people have repeatedly told me that time heals all wounds. My wounds are deep. I will need a lot of time to heal. But I wonder, will time also fill this emptiness? Will time erase my guilt? Will this knot ever go away?

Mike’s memorial service was on Saturday. It was absolutely perfect. Perfect just like him. About 500 people gathered to celebrate Mike’s life—-a true testament to Mike. To honor Mike’s wishes, I delivered the eulogy. It was atop the list of one of the hardest things I have ever done. As I stood there, gazing at the large crowd, hands shaking, and unable to breathe, I feared one thing most: that I would not do Mike justice with my words. It is hard to capture the essence of Mike. It is hard to describe him using words. So, I did my best. I just hope it was what he expected.

At the request of some family and friends, here is the eulogy I delivered:

Months ago, when Mike gave me the honor to speak at his memorial service, I had no idea how difficult it would be to stand here and talk about a man who was in every sense extraordinary. A man whose brief existence on earth touched countless lives and inspired us all.

I can’t sum Mike up. It is impossible. So instead, I will stand here and thank him. Thank him for the way he impacted each of our lives. Thank him for teaching us all how to live life to the fullest. Thank him for his passion, his loyalty, honesty, generosity, selflessness. Thank him for the endless laughter he brought into our worlds daily. And most of all, thank him for just being Mike.

Every person who was fortunate enough to meet Mike, couldn’t help but fall in love with him. Mike was infectious. He made everyone around him feel good about themselves, even if he was busy making fun or teasing them, which we all know was something he did best.

Making people laugh was Mike’s number one goal in life. His trademark. Even during the last few months while he was sick, he would try so hard to muster up the energy to make an inappropriate funny comment or make everyone laugh. Mike’s solution to each of life’s problems was a joke or prank. And he loved bragging about his pranks over and over and over again. As I look around this church, I see so many people who are lucky enough to have gotten their nicknames from Mike. Agan. Smashford. Beefcake. Dumpy. And best of all, my nickname, Nags.

Mike took pride in being the funniest one of all of our crazy friends. And he insisted that we all remember him for one thing—being funny. Well, I promise you Mikey, your sense of humor will never be forgotten.

Mike was also the most passionate person most of us have ever known. Passionate about anything and everything that mattered, and even passionate about things that most people wouldn’t think twice about. Mike was passionate about me. Passionate about his family. His friends. His work. Passionate about the Philadelphia Eagles, even though they never gave him that Super Bowl win he desperately wanted to see. Passionate about his hatred of Charlie Manuel. So many nights I sat next to Mike and watched him curse the Phillies and swear that he would never watch another Phils game, just to come home the next night and see him watching and cursing the Phils yet again.

Most importantly, though, Mike was passionate about life. Mike’s zest for life shined through everything that he did. He managed to pack three lifetimes into his short one. He lived each moment for that moment, and each day for that day. He always said that he wanted to live his life in a way that if he left the world early, there would be no regrets. Well, Mikey, mission accomplished.

I can’t really describe in words Mike’s strength, optimism and courage. Anyone who watched Mike fight this battle against Melanoma, knows exactly what I mean. Mike never gave up. Never. Not even at the end. He never felt sorry for himself. And he always said how lucky he was. Lucky to be loved by so many wonderful friends and family. He fought with grace, dignity, and most of all with laughter. Mikey, we are so proud of you for the way you fought this battle. Your enemy was not fair, but you never wavered. And at the end, you did not lose. You won. You will always be our hero.

As I stand here today, I am incredibly jealous. Jealous of heaven for having taken those gorgeous blue eyes. Jealous of all the angels who are no doubt partying with Mike and getting new nicknames right now.

Mike, you left your footprints on all of our hearts. You are not gone. You will always be here in our thoughts, in our hearts and in our memories. It was truly a privilege to have loved you and to have been loved by you. Now, go. Go make all the angels laugh. Till we meet again, safe travels, my love.



Michael J. Filippone
(July 24, 1973 - November 7, 2007)

For Mike's Obituary, go to www.philly.com and type Filippone.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Liz,
Mike's memorial service was the most amazing and inspiring event I have ever attended. It was perfect and your tribute to Mike was incredible. I miss Mike; I'm still in shock. If you need help with anything at all I am at your service.

Rich

Linda said...

Dearest Liz,
I have been thinking of you constantly these past few days. Wondering how you are holding up and surviving. Your blog words are always so well spoken. Your love for Mike so evident. I truly applaud you for getting up and delivering the eulogy. You knew Mike better than anyone so what better person is there to eulogize him but I can not imagine how hard it must have been. I hope things get better for you. Life has to go on and Mike would not be happy to see you suffering long after his suffering has ended. You need to continue to celebrate his life not mourn it. I know that must sound preachy but it is what I am trying to ready myself for. It is OK for you to feel sad now but no guilt. You did an amazing job of loving Mike all the way to heaven.
Linda

Anonymous said...

Dear Liz,
I work at Dechert, but never had the pleasure of meeting you. I have read your blog and I just wanted to tell you that I think you are an incredibly strong and loving person and the love you and your husband, Mike, shared was beautiful. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers!!

JKalnin said...

Liz,
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Your eulogy was very touching and really hit the nail on the head. Please don't think that you failed Mike. That is just ludicrous. You didn't just do everything possible to help him, you did more then should be asked of anyone. You are a hero to Mike, his family, and to everyone that knows how much you suffered by his side. Hopefully the emptiness that you feel will be replaced with the wonderful memories of all of the good times that you spent together. Time may never fully heal this wound, and the scars will be a lasting reminder of the incredible person that left us all way too soon. Now that Mike is at peace, it's time for you to stop torturing yourself.

Anonymous said...

Liz,

I know that you feel empty and guilty right now. But Liz, what you ARE is extraordinary and brave. Everything you have done over the last three years for Mike and with Mike has been extraordinary and brave. You know I am not religious--but I do think miracles happen and I think they happen when people replace their fear with love. And ever since Mike's diagnosis you did that. I know how scared you were over the last three years but you didn't give in to that fear. You loved Mike passionately and you were his champion. You faced the realities, you made sure Mike had the very best care, you never left his side, you planned an amazing wedding in about 6 days, you made sure he had his dream car not to mention that sectional couch Mike wanted since childhood, you kept his spirits high, you made sure that the two of you saw the world and ate plenty of Italian ice cream (aka gelato),and you made sure you both enjoyed all the time you had together. YOU did that --you did save him by making his last years on earth as wonderful as they could possibly be. Doing that in the face of all the two of you had to deal with is a miracle.

And what you did on Saturday, standing up in front of hundreds of people during the saddest moment of your life--that too was a miracle. You replaced all your fear with your love for Mike and it was such an extraordinary moment.--After watching you on Saturday I knew I would never have an excuse to be afraid of anything again. And as far as doing Mike justice, you should know that I talked to so many people who were at the funereal but didn't know Mike very well and they all said that after hearing your eulogy they knew without a doubt what a remarkable, loving, funny and free spirited person Mike was. You conveyed that to everyone at Mike's funereal.

I also know without a doubt that Mike would want you to live life, be happy, laugh, run, eat, drink, watch football, bet on games, eat (did I say eat already). I know this must be such a scary time but you are extraordinary and brave and you have so many people who love you. We are here for you always.
Love, Tam

Carver said...

Dear Liz,

I am overcome after reading this post. You are a truly remarkable person and my heart and thoughts are with you. What a beautiful eulogy and how you found the strength to deliver it is well beyond me. Thank you for posting it as well as for posting your thoughts on how you are doing now. I wish I had some words of wisdom for how you carry on but I don't. All I have is the old adage that it's one foot in front of the other but I will add that if you have to take a step back and sit down, then do it. Love, Carver

Anonymous said...

Dear Liz,

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You were there for Mike in his darkest hours and I know that gave him great comfort. You are a strong and remarkable women and Mike's service was perfect. You gave insite to the wonderful and incredible person Mike was.
I said a prayer before the Eagles game for them to win one for Mike and they did. I'm here for you.
Cathie W. (Mom #2).

Anonymous said...

Liz,

I'm sitting here at work reading your blog and want you to know that I've been constantly thinking about you and your family. I know you feel empty right now and have that terrible knotted feeling in your stomach, but one thing you should not feel is guilt. You truly are an incredible and amazing person for everything you had done for Mike and for always being there by his side through EVERYTHING. You had a love for one another that not many people can say they have or else will ever be fortunate enough to experience. That kind of love will never be lost. Your love was like a symbol of eterinity, it wiped out all sense of time and all fear of an end. Just knowing that Mike had someone like you with him by his side is truly extraordinary. You never gave up.

As far as the service, I must say it was absolutely perfect and by far the most inspiring service I've been to. It was a service that portrayed Mike as the fun, loving person he was. A service that will always be rememered. Your eulogy was extremely touching and beautiful. It portrayed Mike for the person he was and forever will be remembered to be. You continued to thank Mike. I must say that as you read that eulogy, Mike was most certainly looking down upon you, thanking you for the amazing person you were to him; as both a wife and a best friend.

For as strong of a person you have been for the time spent by Mike's side, without a doubt you will be that same strong person from here on. You will no longer feel empty. You will no longer feel guilt. Of course it will take time, but you will forever know that you and Mike had a beautiful life together.

I'll leave you with this quote:

"I hold it true,what'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost,
Than never to have loved at all."

Alfred Lord Tennyson


I am always here for you :)

Love,
Teresa

Anonymous said...

Liz,
You are an amazing woman. I so wish that there was something that I could do to take away even a small piece of the pain you're feeling. I hope that each day brings you healing and that soon you'll have peace. Thank you for sharing Mike's eulogy. There aren't words to tell you how beautiful it was. I continue to pray daily for you. Hang in there!

Godspeed...

Anonymous said...

Liz,
You are amazing. How you ever did that beautiful eulogy I will never know. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did everything you could possibly do for Mike. I understand the emptiness that you feel BUT you certainly should feel no guilt. You were the best wife going and I am sure that Mike appreciated all that you did for him. You were his hero, I have no doublt about that.

I think of you constantly and you are in my prayers daily.
Love,
Charlote

Anonymous said...

Dear Liz:

It's been a long time since we've spoken, but I've never forgotten about you and my other friends from Hoyle. When I heard that you had married Mike, I was very happy for you. And then today, I received the awful news that Mike had passed away. What a devasting and unfair thing to happen.

I read your blog from beginning to end. Your strength and love shine through with every word. As the other commentators have stated, there is no reason for you to feel guilty. Mike was lucky to have you as his wife for some of his time on Earth. You did everything you could -- and, from what I have read, much, much more. My deepest condolences for you, Mike's family, and all of his other friends. Both you and Mike will be in my prayers.

Elliot

Suzan and Christopher Hallam said...

Liz,

What you said was so beautiful and I am sure Mike was smiling down at you and giving you the strength to say it and write it. You have no reason to feel guilty. You took care of Mike and you both did everything you could. It is a horrible desease that no one should have to go though. From what I have read about Mike he will be remembered always. I can't say anything about the guilt except you don't have anything to feel guilty about. As far as the emptiness I think that is normal when you loss your soul mate. I know just the thought of Keith not being here feels like part of me will be gone. Stay strong and we send our love and support.

Suzan

Anonymous said...

Dear LIz,
One of the many reasons why Mike loved you is your strength. What you did on Saturday would make Mike so proud. Take it day by day. There is no easy way to grieve. Surround yourself with people who love you. You guys fought really hard and you should have no guilt in that.

Dorothy

Anonymous said...

Liz, I hadn't read your blog for several weeks and today was thinking about you and decided to see how you were doing. I am so sorry to hear of Mike's passing. It is never easy to lose a loved one, as I am watching my dear niece, Tammy Brown, struggle with her husband's recent passing. You are an amazing woman and I think you should be proud of the way you lovingly took care of Mike. You have nothing to feel guilty for. I hope that eventually, you will be able to look back on this past week and see how far you have progressed and realize that you can move ahead. I don't know you but I wish I could give you a hug. My prayers will continue to be with you and your families.

Elaine

Anonymous said...

You don't know me but I've read your blog and followed your and Mike's story and have posted a couple times before.

Thank you for sharing that beautiful eulogy of Mike. He really is an inspiration. (As I read it, I actually felt chastened about my grouchiness at work today and thought, yes, indeed, it's a waste of life! Try some humor instead on difficult days, like Mike!).

Those feelings of guilt, I bet, are probably pretty normal. I don't know why it is, but guilt, however ill-founded, always seems to accompany loss of a loved one. And as others have said, it is because you cared so much--an unfortunate complement to your love for Mike.

I hope it eases in time, and that that empty space, or knot, in the center begins to open and fill again. I can imagine it will take time.

I hope you will continue to let us know how you are when you can. Just so we can know that there will be healing at the end of the pain.

Thoughts and prayers for you,
Laura

King (Kathie) said...

Liz,

I really hope that some day I am lucky enough to meet you in person. You are an amazing woman - an inspiration to so many.

I can't imagine how you were able to deliver Mike's eulogy.

Please try to lighten up on yourself. You don't have ANYTHING to feel guilty about. You are the best! You did all that was humanly possible for Mike.

We all grieve at our own pace.

Keeping you close in thoughts and prayers. I'm so happy that you are being surrounded by family and friends.

Stay Strong
Kathie

Jenni Halley said...

Liz,
How devastatingly beautiful. What a great tribute to the life of the man you love. I want to thank you for sharing this with us on the blog. Since I don't know you in person, it helps me get a sense of your loss, a sense of your love, and a sense of your grief. I am so very sorry for your loss, and know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers daily for many months. That will continue. Please do not feel guilty, for this wonderful man you spoke of would surely only want you to be happy, to be able to watch down and see you try to live your life as he did. I can understand your feeling of failure; I often feel that I have failed to save Brian, despite all my efforts. That is a feeling I can't help you with, as I feel the same. But others have told me to focus on the commitment I made to Brian, how I have taken such good care of him and sacrificed everything to be by his side...and in that I have not failed. As you said, melanoma was not fair, and you and Mike both should be proud of the fight you put up.

I hope you can take time to grieve, now and in the future. Please know we will be here for you.

Jenni (wife of Brian, stage IV melanoma)

Anonymous said...

Mike and Bryce are partying together. I share your feelings about emptiness, numbness and guilt. I wonder when these feelings will subside? I wonder when I won't wake up in the middle of the night and check for Bryce? It's so surreal. It's so wrong. I hope you can keep your mind busy--it is saving me. Good luck, Liz! I'm here if you need a kindred soul.
Tammy

Shirley Z said...

Dear Liz,
What a beautiful tribute to Mike. He would be proud of his NAGS.
You have been in my thoughts so often these past few weeks. This is a tragedy that no one should have to endure. Especially someone so young.
I'm sure the feelings you are experiencing are normal. You have been through such a horrible time in your life. Something no one should have to experience. Especially a couple so young with their entire life ahead of them. Everyone grieves differently. Be gentle with yourself! You have been through a tramatic experience. Time does help ease the pain, until then just take on day at a time. Find comfort in knowing that Mike is in a pain-free, wonderful place. You have a angel on your side now
May you find comfort in the wonderful memories you shared with Mike. I will pray that God will give you strength in the days ahead. Your first holidays without him are so rough. Take the love and support offered by family and friends now. Love and Prayers, Shirley Z Stage 3C NED 15 months

Valerie said...

Hi Liz,
My brother Doug just told me about Mike's terrible struggle with cancer. Doug went to Garnet Valley with Mike. I knew his sister Donna who graduated with my sister. Anyway I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that Mike passed away. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and could relate to many of the things you wrote about in the blog. I wish I had someone as strong as you to support me through the treatments. I'm sure Mike really benefited from having you in his life. No words will make you feel better at this time I guess, but I think you are an amazing person and I hope you can find comfort remembering the good times you had with Mike.

Valerie

Anonymous said...

Liz - I have no doubt that your guilt will go away. You are far too rational a person for it not to. Tammi said it best: you did save him - by making sure he lived as full a life as possible. You and Mike, side by side, lived each moment for that moment, and each day for that day. No regrets - just as Mike wanted it.

That knot in your stomach will dissipate and fade away. Mike's place in your heart will not. That piece of your heart will always be his, always be untouchable. You will carry him with you in everything you do. By living your life, you will honor his. Your smiles will be his, your laughter his laughter. He'll be cheering you on from the sidelines of heaven, and you will make him proud.

We are all here for you Liz, and we all love you.

- Bill Hill

Anonymous said...

Dear Liz,

Your eulogy was beautiful and inspiring. I have been thinking of you and your family often and you remain in my prayers. I wanted to tell you that I think you are incredibly strong, loving, kind and passionate woman. Your love for Mike was evident as you conveyed in your eulogy at the service. I thank you for sharing your wonderful memories of him, and your beautiful life together. Thank you for putting into perspective how precious life is and to live each moment to its fullest.

Please find comfort in knowing that Mike is at peace and will forever be watching over you.

I leave you with my favorite poem by e.e. cummings:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear, and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling), i fear no fate (for your are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beatutiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you; here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart, i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart).

I am always here if you every need anything. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Jenna

Anonymous said...

Dear Liz,
That was a beautiful eulogy for your husband. Your Angel is now at peace and free of pain. I am sad to hear of your loss. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family. You are truly a beautiful and strong woman. The love you and Mike shared is so beautiful and strong, that was evident just reading your blog.

I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

With much sympathy.
Elaine Simpson

Anonymous said...

Liz,

The service on Saturday was the perfect celebration of Mike's life. It showed how Mike was like a star that dazzled and awed everyone in his presence. And, of course, made them laugh.

It also showed how much he loved you. It’s no wonder why he scooped you up as his bride. You are beautiful, courageous, funny and generous. I watched you these past years, especially the past few months, as you went shoulder to shoulder with Mike and fought this disease. You experienced every joy and every setback. Yet, you bore everything on your tiny little shoulders like a gladiator. I saw how the last week ripped you apart emotionally. Then, on Saturday, when there wasn’t a dry eye in the church, I saw you stand up, square your shoulders and flawlessly deliver Mike’s eulogy.

Don’t feel guilty for doing things Mike can’t; you are a walking testament to him.

Love,
Tracey

Anonymous said...

Sweet girl, everything you are feeling -- or not feeling -- is normal. No words can ease the emptiness or the guilt, but you will, with time, work through it. Just know that many people love and care for you and are thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Liz,

I wish I could have been there at the memorial service. Thank you for posting the eulogy you gave; it was wonderful. Your strength is truly amazing.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Jen Whelan Kovatch

Anonymous said...

Liz,
Please, please, please let go of your guilt. It is unfounded and Mike would have never wanted you to feel that. I'm sure you guys talked before and I'm sure he expressed his wanting for you to go on and live life to the fullest, as he did, and be happy.

You are a beautiful, strong woman. Not many people can say they had the complete and utter love and devotion that you and Mike had in such a short time in your marriage, than some people ever have in a lifetime of it. I think your guilt is also a fear of moving on in your life, which he would have wanted. You were everything you needed to be for each other, when you both needed it, there is no guilt in that. Embrace and be grateful for what you had, cherish it everyday. I promise you, that wound will eventually turn into a scar that doesn't hurt so much, yet will always be there. One day you will look back on your life with Mike with more smiles than tears and believe me, you can have no idea how much room you have in your heart to love. I thought I would never again, and I have, and I know you will too. The depths of it are immeasureable, just give yourself time and you will see. In the meantime, anything you need at all, just reach out and I will be here.

Anonymous said...

I'm truly sorry for your loss!! I did not know Mike, but reading your blog's and hearing stories about Mike from my brother in law (Matt Shultz) I felt like we have been friends forever! You will always and forever have Mike with you now, and I hope you find peace with that!! Life sometimes is VERY unfair, but we all go on and remember the ones we have loved
and lost and celebrate the life they did have!! Again I'm SOOO Sorry for you loss!!
Bless you & your family,
A. Shultz

Anonymous said...

Dear Liz
You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers!You are such a brave woman and I admire you so much for that! I did not know you nor Mike but I really can see how much you loved each other!He is truly your ANGEL!!! Jen