With Hope

There are no words that can accurately describe how we felt today: devastated, shocked, crushed, demoralized, and downright terrified. Throughout our two and a half year long battle with Melanoma, I have come to expect the unexpected, and face the challenges as they come. We have gone through three surgeries, two different treatments, six tough months of chemo, countless scans and doctors' appointments, months of Mike feeling sick, but nothing could have prepared us for this. Not now. Not ever.

Around 2:00 p.m., Dr. Flaherty called Mike and gave him the news: Mike’s brain MRI shows that the Melanoma has spread to the brain lining. This is by far the worst thing that could have happened. The worst thing. I keep hoping that this is all a big mistake, a big medical error. Yet in my heart, I know . . .

Mike had been having headaches for about three months, but an MRI of his brain in January was more or less clear, and even though Mike had not been feeling completely well for quite a while, cancer to the brain had been ruled out. But it all makes sense now. This explains the dizziness, disequilibrium, headaches, nausea, lack of appetite and all the other symptoms Mike had been having over the last couple of months. This explains why on our recent one-year anniversary trip to the Cayman Islands, Mike did not feel completely like himself. Yet, with all the symptoms, I still cannot believe it. I cannot believe that this hideous disease has invaded Mike’s brain. It all hurts so much. I wish I had been shot in the stomach instead--I am sure it would hurt less.

Mike and I spent the afternoon/night crying. We talked about what would lie ahead, and where we would be headed. We talked about the all the “what ifs” and the future. We talked about our fears and our hopes. We even talked about the unthinkable. We held on to each other and cried for hours, harder than we have ever cried before. We then made a promise to fight with everything we have got. We know this is bad—really bad. But we will not give up. We will not stop fighting. And most of all, we will never give up HOPE. Never.